xantin_tiger

Gah, hate this time of night, I should go to bed at 11, always end up at this time feeling like shite.

Damn fucking facebook, why do I have "friends" on there that I really, really don't need reminding of?

Well, just to mirror my status on there, I miss you, and I fucking well hate you more for making me care enough to STILL miss you.

Fuckshitcuntingbastardbollocks!

Xan

Current Mood: crappy

Tonight it's just dawned on me that I miss somebody, but not really sure at the moment it's worth the hassel of trying to get in touch with them again.

I seem to be a sucker for people who cause me major headfucks.  I'm trying to decide whether it's a case of "being friends with this person caused headfucks" or "third party in this situation caused headfucks", I'm inclined to think it was the latter as they've periodically stuck their oar in since.

Maybe I'm just being daft, think I need a good nights sleep!  Well, if you think this post applies to you drop me a line and save me having to make a decision!

Love to you all!  :)

Xan

xxx

Current Mood: contemplative

Hi all!

Ok, quite scary at the moment.  Can't post this on my Facebook so thought I'd say here.  :)

I've finally taken the massive step of starting my application for Graduate Teacher Training, it's a bit late to start this year however the local University are still accepting applications for start in September.

I've e-mailed off to two local schools to enquire about obtaining experience of the workplace and also whether they have any vacancies for trainees and now waiting to hear back.

I'm really excited and hope it goes through, however also terrified as this is a massive step for me and something I've wanted to do since I started my degree, don't want to screw it up!

Soon as I hear back and try and put another update on here, but it's just a waiting game now and I SUCK at waiting.  :(

How's everybody else then?

Xan

xxx
 

Current Mood: scared

Hi all,

Ok, just a brief post as, quite frankly, nothing much to say!  I'm on Annual Leave at the moment and loving it, going through loads of old stuff from uni and before to junk out before moving into my own place again later this year.  Very exciting, but otherwise life is the same as always.

Been motivated to post today, after several weeks of reading through this dross, purely to say in a very loud voice:

GET OVER YOURSELVES YOU INSANELY DEPRESSING GROUP OF SELF PITYING, MIND NUMBINGLY BORING, CO-DEPENDENT FUCKWITS!  :o)

That's all really, love to everybody else though!  :o)

Xantin

Current Mood: bouncy

Ok, I don't NORMALLY do these, but I was curious, so:

Current Mood: accomplished

Ok,

Just logged on to LJ and realised why I stopped really using it.  3 posts in a row, 3 posts of people either bitching about each other, wallowing in self pity or just wasting cyber space!

Come on people, just lighten up and stop being so INSANELY over the top about stuff.  I know that many of you will think it's ironic that I'm the one saying that but I've never know it be so down right pointless to read things on here.  Nobody actually cares if you hate person X, or person Y hurt you, or any of the other trivial crap that people post on here!

As many of you will notice, I've pretty much entirely stopped posting on LJ unless I'm very bored, very drunk or very desperate (only one of these happens regularly, and they're not in any order).  As I said in a comment on my last post, I've realised that drama comes purely from people you associate with in error.  If you don't like somebody, don't talk to them, don't post randomly on the internet about how awful they are.

Oh, and before I get off my soap box, you all need to realise that the people who post on your LJ after those things either:

1. Want to insult you.
2. Want something out of you (sex, money, etc, depends who you are really).
3. Don't actually give a shit about you.

Current Mood: bitchy

Current Mood: creative

I am currently very, very drunk.  I've just got in from a fantastic party at one of my work friends and am in a really good mood.

This, I'm sure, will change tomorrow when I get the next piece of shitty news that this week is conspiring to throw at me, but for now GOD I LOVE BOOZE.

On the other hand, I think I'm smitten.

Lots of love

Xan.

Current Mood: drunk

Evening everybody,

Just thought I'd put a random post up, keep my LJ vaguely current.  I'm in a bit of a mixed mood tonight, had a great week at work (well, with the exception of some shit going off with one of the advisers) and spent a fantastic evening with Sil and Holley on Wednesday, made a few new friends too this week.  Inspite of that though, feeling a bit melancholy, self confidence is running a low and feeling generally a bit out of sorts and neurotic.

Think I need a holiday, may take up one of the offers to visit people, have a friend in London who can put me up for a few days.  Just need to get some cash together for shopping, it's a bitch getting everything I need when I visit London but it's the only place that has all the stuff I need.  Hate the fact Harrods has gone so far down hill, means I have to trek all over London!  Anybody fancy meeting up if I go?  If I can dig out some of my better clothes I was thinking of going for Lunch somewhere, a friend told me Claridges have a fantastic cocktail bar now and I'm sure somebody told me the Dorchester still do a good line in lunches.

Anybody fancy coming to visit me?  I've got some new Wii games and nobody to multiplayer with!

Anyway, enough ramblings I need sleep.

Love you all

Xan

Current Mood: melancholy

Evening all,

Just a quick post before bed as I've been pondering something for a while.  Not sure how many people read my LJ any more (not much point as I never post!  *laughs") but thought this was a good a place as any, given that I can't say it directly at the moment.

Have wanted to say this for a while and never really got the chance to, so as above, to whom it may concern...

I miss you hun, miss the fun and miss the random times we spent together.

If you read this and understand, please get in touch.

Much love to all, hope the world is treating you all well.  :o)

Xan

xxx

PS.  Just reread what I've said, I sound like one of those items you get in the Personals bit of the papers, the random bit where lovers tiffs used to be advertised:  "Wish we could be together.  Undying love.  Forever yours.  Frank."

Current Mood: contemplative

Afternoon everybody!

Ok, it's very rare I post links, etc but I'd like everybody to read today's XKCD and to appreciate what an outstanding piece of work it is.

Yes, yes we Mathematicians ARE miles ahead of the rest of science! ;o)

And on that note, I'm off to make a Souffle!

Loads of love

Xan

xxx

Current Mood: bouncy

Good morning everybody!

I've taken down the last post I put up on here as it's served it's purpose now and in the cold light of day (and to a degree, sobriety) seems a little silly.  I'd like to thank those that either posted replies or spoke with me directly about it; your support is very much appreciated and helped me through another rough patch. 

As most of those who know me will be aware I suffer badly with low self esteem which when combined with times of high stress or illness in my life brings on periods of depression and paranoia.  Those closest to me will probably by now have experienced times when I lash out or lose all faith in everybody, this is honestly nothing to do with you and is normally my way of expressing my terror at loosing somebody so dear to me (yes, I'm fully aware of the stupidity of this). 

I'm not sure how to explain to people how or why this happens, but anybody who suffers similarly will agree it's not just something I can turn on and off with a switch, I wish it was!  I know I ask a hell of a lot of my friends when I get like this, I become insanely needy, obsessive and hell to talk to whenever it happens, but you can't begin to imagine what it means to me if people DO stick by me and just listen to me rant on about inane and trivial shit.  Please know that, although at the time I may seem like I distrust everything you say and I'm convinced that my life, our friendship, anything that comes to mind is doomed to fail, it really is only a phase and something that I'm working my hardest to break through.

For the past year I thought I'd finally cracked this, it seemed to be getting longer and longer between problems and those I did come across were normally just short term issues that I could talk through reasonably with those concerned.  This is the 1st time in a long time I've genuinely lost out to it, I managed to fight off expressing all the shit that was running through my mind for a lot longer than normal but when I finally cracked it all came out at once and it's taken me what seems like an eternity to get over.  I'm once again really sorry to those who I've hurt or upset during this and can only ask for your forgiveness and a little more patience as I try and level out again.

Much love to all

Xan

xxx

Current Mood: contemplative

Xantin declares "Back to your bridge you evil troll!  You have no powers here!"

Current Mood: amused

Good evening everybody!

As it's nearly time and I'll be busy most of tomorrow, I'd like to take the chance to wish you all a very merry christmas and I hope you all have a fantastic time.

I've not really updated this much of late as I've either not had time during the important things, or nothing to write when I've got the time!  Will try and post a bit more come the New Year.  I tend to be on Facebook quite a bit at the moment, just ask if you want my details.

Loads of love to you all and I hope we'll see each other soon in the New Year!

*hugs to all*

Xan

xxx

Current Mood: sleepy

Ok, I think I need to cut down a bit!

THIS is the contents of my booze cabinet...



Should I be worried?

Xan

Current Mood: drunk

Afternoon all!

Right, have had to resort to desperate measures!

I've recently started playing World of Warcraft and really enjoy it.  Problem is that out of the people I quest around with regularly (Tungro, Whitewolf & a few others), we're lacking in a few areas.  So, here's the request...we're in dire need of:

1. A Priest / Paladin.
2. A Mage.
3. A Jeweler.
4. Dwarf / Gnome characters (we're a bit elf heavy at the moment!)
5. More people to quest with!

Current Mood: geeky

Morning all!

Need a few opinions ASAP.  :o)

I'm looking at getting a new computer but haven't bought one for years!  Can you all take a look at:

http://www1.euro.dell.com/content/products/features.aspx/desktops_best?c=uk&cs=ukdhs1&l=en&s=dhs

And give me your opinions on the Insiron 531, general thoughts, etc.

I want a PC I won't have to upgrade for a few years, that will play games without turning down the options too much and that I won't have to worry about for a while!  Main points are the Graphics Card, the speed it'll run at, and whether I can get a better setup for my money elsewhere.

Cheers!

Xan

xxx

Current Mood: calm

Evening everybody,

Right, as you probably guessed from the previous post, I'm not in the best of moods right now.  I can't actually work out though whether I'm just stressed or heading back into a depression dip again.  Either way, it's bringing out my paranoia on a MASSIVE scale.

Things seemed to start going down hill just before granddad passed away and I've been on the decline since.  The past week or so in which I've been doing retraining at work for new systems, and then back taking calls this week to get up to speed on what we should be doing, it's really getting to me and I hate it.

I keep sitting down after work in the evenings and just wanting to curl up in a ball and hide.  I'm whining at people who've been really great friends at me because I'm convinced they're either ignoring or avoiding me, even though when I think it through rationally I can't actually find a reason why they would or evidence that they are!

The only thing that I can see that really IS bugging me is that I feel a bit, well, optional again in a lot of friendships, never seem to get a hi off people much or any interest in keeping conversation going.  I know I write shit loads half the time, but it really is 1 word from friend to 5 from me sometimes.  Guess right now I just feel rather, well boring and unwanted. 

I know I tend to try to have people visit me rather than traveling, but my hours at work are so random it makes it difficult to get away in time to go places.  I do promise though that in the next few months I will start traveling about more, take the emphasis off others to come to me.

If people are still reading now, I'm sorry for sucking so much of late, and for sucking so much in general a lot of the time, please don't give up on me because I am doing everything I can to get over a lot of it.  Please though, can people just get in touch, MSN, text, e-mail, anything, just do a little to help me try and get past this.

*sigh*

That's all for now.

Xan

xxx

Current Mood: melancholy

Evening all,

I really want to hurt some people right now, you know, get really, really tanked up on vodka then go in search of the slowly increasing number of assholes in my life with a big ole stick to beat them senseless.

Anybody know where I can get:

A) Cut price, high strength vodka.
B) A good, hard piece of wood.
C) A balaclava that doesn't itch when you wear it.

Cheers all!

Xan

xxx

Current Mood: aggravated

Evening everybody!

Hope everybody is well.  Just a quick question for you all...

I've been trying to get my diet sorted out to start loosing weight now that I'm more active at work, etc.  I'm loosing it slowly and I think part of that is that I'm also starting to get some vague toning to my legs, etc.

My biggest problem is my stomach and the fact that, even as the fat goes I still look a little round in the middle.

The question is:

Does anybody know if those electric stomach toning machines actually work, or are they just a gimmick?

 I know that proper exercise is better  but doing situps, even properly, really hurts my back and I want something that I can do while working on other stuff.

Any comments / suggestions welcome!

Cheers

Xan

xxx

Current Mood: curious